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We live in an age where our screens are uniquely calibrated to our preferences—creating an illusion of connection while curiously driving us apart.
We’re running a gigantic social experiment that, at this point, we know isn’t in our best interest.
In this disconnected state, we weaponize our personal histories, turning them into airtight explanations for why change is impossible. But as I learned in AA: everything you do either moves you toward connection or away from it. There is no coasting.
My guest today is Esther Perel, a renowned psychotherapist and bestselling author whose groundbreaking podcast “Where Should We Begin?” has given millions unprecedented access to real client therapy sessions. As someone who’s been married for 25 years, I found myself especially drawn to her approach to human connection and her ability to create permissiveness around topics we’re often too consumed by guilt and shame to discuss.
From her psychotherapy practice to commanding audiences of thousands, Esther brings a refreshing energy to this typically intimidating terrain. During our conversation, she expertly deconstructs my marriage dynamics, revealing how I’ve fallen into pursuing achievements as a proxy for love—a pattern born from viewing love as fundamentally transactional.
Through our discussion, I share openly about reconnecting with my wife, acknowledging how old patterns resurface and create conflict. She shows me how even our most useful insights about childhood trauma can become traps, keeping us locked in stale narratives rather than moving toward growth.
“The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.”
– ESTHER PEREL
Today, we explore the myriad ways modern life fragments our connections—from the atomization of community to what Esther calls “artificial intimacy,” from the deadening effects of routine to the paradox of security versus desire. Through examining my own marriage, she reveals how partnerships aren’t static entities but living forces requiring our full presence, not just what remains after the workday ends.
Our exchange pivots around a provocative question: Do you need trust to take risks, or is risk-taking itself what builds trust? As Esther explains, trust isn’t about requiring certainty—it’s about taking that leap into the unknown. She challenges me to replace comfort with curiosity, suggesting that true connection demands more than stability.
Special announcement: Esther recently launched The Desire Bundle, featuring two groundbreaking courses: “Bringing Desire Back” and “Playing with Desire.” These courses are designed to help people remove sexual blocks and reignite connection. Use code RICH15 for 15% off through December 2024.
For those who prefer a visual experience, the conversation is available on YouTube. As always, the audio version streams wild and free on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.
For anyone seeking to understand love beyond the static stories we tell ourselves—or simply wondering why genuine connection feels increasingly elusive in our modern world—this exchange offers a road map toward something more authentic.
Peace + Plants,
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- Connect with Esther: Facebook | TikTok | X | Instagram | Website | YouTube
- Book: Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence
- Book: The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity
- MasterClass: Esther Perel
- The Desire Bundle: Get 15 % OFF with code RICH15
- Los Angeles Times: This is what’s missing in our sex lives in 2024, according to Esther Perel
- The Cut: 4 Questions With Esther Perel
- The Daily Front Row: Why Modern Dating Feels Like The Lonely Heart’s Club Right Now- And What You Can Actually Do About It! Step Inside My Session With Esther Perel.
- Shows Coming Up: Esther Perel Tickets
- Ted Talk: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship
- Ted Talk: Esther Perel
- New York Times: Esther Perel on What the Other Woman Knows
- The New Yorker: Love Is Not a Permanent State of Enthusiasm: An Interview with Esther Perel
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Thank The Team: I do not do this alone. Send your love to Jason Camiolo for audio engineering, production, show notes and interstitial music; with additional audio engineering by Cale Curtis and additional music by Moby; Morgan McCrae & Dan Drake for video, & editing; graphics by Alejandro Ribadeneira & Bryan Lawrence; portraits by Davy Greenberg, Grayson Wilder & Gizelle Peters, & Zenith Richards; copywriting by Ben Pryor; and theme music by Tyler Piatt, Trapper Piatt & Hari Mathis.
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